All I Want.

I’m always screaming my lungs out
Till my head starts spinning.
Playing my songs is the way I cope with life.
Won’t keep my voice down.
Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud.

I like to keep things honest.
I’m a safe bet like your life’s staked on it. For real.
I’d hate to keep you all wondering.
I’m constant like the seasons 
I will never be forgotten, man.

Let’s leave no words unspoken
And save regrets for the broken.
Will you even look back when you think of me?

All I want is a place to call my own,
And mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa
You know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.
Keep your hopes up high and your head down low.








I'm open, honest, direct and want that from everyone I meet. I'm sorry if I offend you, I mean no harm, but if it's the truth then you should know anyway.


I refuse to hide my feelings, I don't care what you think of me for it, it's my path, and I'll live it the way I want, and although I'll regret it at times, I know there's no other way. Lies get you no where, and I'm going places, accept me for it and know that I'm going to be the best, no matter what the competition is, I refuse to back down from life.

Moving up in the world.

On the dawn of my 20th year in this god awful world we live, I'm pretty happy with life as a whole. I have my plans, I have a decent paying job, I have nothing but love from my close friends and family, but I'm far from relaxing, I still have so much more to go out and achieve. Albeit that I'm not quite sure what that IS at the moment, I'm sure it'll show itself in time. That's been my philosophy so far and it's been working for me, 'Something will always happen' Whether it's for good or bad, and regardless of it's helpfulness in my life, something WILL happen. The world isn't going to just stop, not for you, not for me, not for anyone, even when we could kill for it to. We must continue, and since we have to anyway, I'm choosing to aim for success in everything I do.

I over think, and I have these ridiculous visions of the future, not because that's what I will think will happen, but because I can't actually stop myself. My mind is amazing at throwing itself into the future and planning things that will happen 10's of years from now, and giving present me a quick glimpse of what it expects. Most people live up to other peoples expectations, while I find trouble in living up to my own. But it's too late to bail out now, so I'll be the best person I can be. Which is pretty damn good providing my brain isn't lying to me.

I don't know what this was about, I'm tired, and I turned 20 today. Fuck this.

Peace Xo

And what did we learn?

That some people just aren't worth your time, effort or thoughts in general, and that's sad to say. There should be something about anyone you can identify with and share, the world is full of hate, and we add to it all too easy for no real reasons. I'll take this as an opportunity to learn, instead of taking bad feelings and memories from something that never really happened.

We change who we are around ones we've loved, whether it be friend love, true love, or just something that could have turned into love, some people change for the better, some for the worse, but sure as hell it changes you. To find someone that can love the old you, the new you and vice versa is one of life's biggest challenges. I mean look at everything else the average person has to deal with. It's got nothing on relationships. They are just messed up. I don't understand how people manage them, or how for some people they just happen and it just works, no trouble at all. Until it blows up and apparently there were problems all along that no one knew about. In the end is it even worth it? We spend our lives chasing love, or at least the idea of it, that it'll make everything else better, make life easier, but all I've seen it do is destroy friendships, hurt families and leave people broken, is the little bit of happiness one feels from love really worth it? I really wonder if there's any point in it at all.

But here's the hope that it surpasses all the negatives, that it's eternal and really will change life forever. Because without that hope, I wouldn't see the point in continuing this search, and then I'd just be bored, fuck that. I'll keep on the look out for my perfect girl, smart, funny, good looking, actually it's a long list, I'm pretty picky.

I'm sorry it ended like this, but keep in mind I only made what you started worse. It didn't have to end like this if you hadn't acted the way you did, but we can't change the past, so I'm leaving everything here, no hard feelings from here out. Closures a lovely thing.

Peace out Xo

P.S. the real answer is we learned nothing, and we'll make all these mistakes again, because falling for someone makes you forget everything you've learnt, every rule you've been taught, and you end up just going with your heart. Hoping that the other person will follow suit.

Riddled questions and unsure answers.

You Be Tails, I'll Be Sonic:


I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it
I leave no time to myself the only way I can fight it
When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror
Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer.




Ok, So before I was annoyed, and now, I'm just not, at all. That's the handy thing about this silly little blog, I can write down my thoughts and feel like i've got it out of my system, and don't have to worry about the repercussions of what I've written, instead of saying something to someone and making them hate me. I've really got to learn to control my thoughts because they will be the death of everything around me, I make things up in my head, and if I don't know exactly what happened, or the truth behind something I'll make one up, whether it's plausible or not.
Pretty sure that's why I push for the truth behind most things, if I take an interest in something in your life you should be worried, because as long as my mind fixates on it and I don't know the exact story or circumstance my mind will make up it's own. Which will just lead to me questioning about it anyway to see if I was right. This is why I either make people open up, or annoy them to a point where they want me dead, not even kidding. 


Side Note:
I jumped around so much today that I cant tense my stomach without being in pain, I've obviously lost my tolerance to energy drinks because I was jumping like a loony for 2 hours straight. There are some things about work i love, the top one being able to piss off annoying customers by turning up the music and demanding their money. I've had so many weird looks from people because I'm jumping around that I've made it a challenge to get everyone to think I'm mentally handicapped. I'm hoping they won't come and bother me anymore. I'll let you know how this progresses.


Peace Xo

A Day To Remember

The Plot To Bomb The Panhandle:

You've got nothing better to do
I know why you can't see straight
I thought you were better than this
but you're just like everyone else.

Here's To The Past:

Let's all think back on what brought us here
This is my grasp on what is real
Don't tell me how I feel
With all that's passed I can't relate
With myself from day to day
why does everything seem so far away
to me.

I'm Made Of Wax Larry, What Are You Made Of?:

So run like hell,
sleep with one eye open.
I can't forgive, or forget you
We'll tell everyone the damage done
Deep down you can't stop me
You can't stop me now

I'll be there just to watch you fall
So don't push me,
I've got nothing to lose

This is how I'm feeling right now, lots of different emotions, all of them mildly pissed off. Stay away from me for your own safety because I will explode sometime soon, and it won't be pretty.

The order of things.

My life was excellent not less than a month ago. 3 days in, it was even better. A week in it started going downhill and just kept rolling until I picked myself back up. Now I'm pretty much back at the start, but it feels like something huge is missing, and I just don't get it, how can someone make your life completely different when everything is the same.
I'm still working out, I still want to get fit, I'm still working the same, I'm still going to gymnastics, I still see my friends as much. The only difference is my drinking, I've been drinking to escape this feeling that I don't even understand. The only thing I could imagine it to be is loneliness, which is a stupid reason to drink considering all the people in my life, but at the same time, there's nothing else it could even be.
Having someone to care about, that you feel cares about you, to share everything with, I saw a short glimpse of that lifestyle and now I'm desperate for it.

I was fine by myself, I hate how you've changed that, and I hate how quickly you dropped me. Because that's exactly what happened here, You went back to someone else within a week. There's a name for people like you. And I don't see why I should bother with you anymore. Well, that's what part of me thinks anyway, I can't work out what else I'm thinking, but at the end of the day, this sucks, and you're a bitch.

Peace Xo

The one place I would like to be able to leave

I spend my nights sitting at home bored these days. I say nights, I mean from 11pm til 3am, More the dead of night. I will sit in my room, on my laptop, doing absolutely fuck all and I hate it. It's too early to sleep, and It's too late for anyone else to do anything, nothings open, I'm not interested in playing games, or watching movies. I end up just sitting there, thinking about everything. Which is the place I would like to escape from, the only place that I hate having to deal with is my own head.

Everything is messed up in there, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time, everything moves so fast that it's like watching bits of sentences fly past while I'm there trying to fit everything together to make some sort of sense. Every possible action and reaction to anything and everything going on in my life is being considered and worked out all at once and it's so tiring. I just want a vacation from myself, I need a break. I can't keep worrying about things, people, relationships, family, friends, the future, the past. I think that's why I drink, it's so nice to have a release from it all, to not worry and just relax and have fun, not to have a care in the world. That's just one way of looking at it though and it's not exactly the most positive outlook on my drinking.

I need a distraction, something I can think about all the time without having to actually worry about it, that I can zone out about for hours because I really find it interesting, just something. I get bored too easily, I never seem to be able to focus on any given thing and I hate it, i hate myself for it. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish my brain away, I'm fine with not being an invalid. Just sometimes, being able to stop it would be good, I wouldn't freak out about stupid things that in reality are absolutely fine, and I wouldn't do stupid things or get in dumb situations like I always do.

Buuuuuuttttt for now, I have beer, so I'm going to get well acquainted with it again, because I haven't drunk on my own in a long time and I can't deal with anyone right now.

Peace Xo

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve

Is something Mum tells me again and again, because I fall for girls, fast. I would love to be one of those guys who just doesn't care, but I'm not and I never will be. I'm full on, I would want to see her a lot, talk to her all the time and for all of my friends and family to like her just as much as I would. Now that sounds reasonable, and it would be, if I didn't think about it within a week of meeting someone.

I've never understood why I do this, even I know that going slower is better, gives you more time in that first stage of getting to know each other, finding out about this person you've hit it off with. Don't get me wrong, It's not like I rush them straight into the bedroom, but i definitely rush. Which leads to me scaring girls off, or me dropping them because I think they're not interested in me.

Oh how i would love to turn my brain off, just so I can be normal and not worry about these made up things in my head that have absolutely no chance of being real. But that's not happening, so here's hoping that someone can calm me down, assure me that I'm crazy, but love me all the same.

Peace Xo

Negative Emotions.

So whenever something happens in my life I over think, whether it's throwing a bottle in the air and wondering how physics affects the speed of rotation compared to the amount of liquid in the bottle, or why regardless of how well I clean my room it looks exactly the same within a day.

These things are generally no problem at all, sure I get distracted from doing anything actually productive but I'll live. The problems come with people, and with emotions. That's the difference between thinking about that bottle and a person, when you're playing with the bottle you have no consideration for it, I mean it's an inanimate object, why would you? But with a human, we all have to tread carefully, trying not to upset them, trying not to provoke them and generally just trying to consider these feelings they have.

Lately, I've been shit at that. I'm sick of covering up the truth to save someones feelings all the time, I understand not mentioning something that's just plain offensive but when someone is being an absolute dick why must you keep quiet? I'm trying to keep the friends I can be honest with, and ditch wankers who have nothing but negative things to say for no apparent reason.
These are the people who don't give a consideration to emotions, If it was a casual joke, or a playful mocking it would be fine, but it's not anymore. I'm no longer dealing with shitty "friends" who have nothing better to do than make fun of me and try and put me down. Sure I've done some stupid things, who hasn't? But strangely enough I don't need to be reminded every day with the same joke that wasn't funny in the first place.

I'm sick of you, I'm sick of your shit and I don't actually have to put up with it, so I'm not.

Peace out Xo

Fuck Those Other Days

Pretty much sick of writing about everything on that list, it's all so depressing.
And lets be honest I really haven't been bothered after the first week to continue using the bloody thing anyway.
So I may keep writing on here, say if something interesting happens, or If I want to rant about something, God knows. It was fun while i enjoyed it.

Peace Xo

Day 9: Someone you wish you could meet

I've never really been big on celebrities, or meeting these people who have so much hype built around them. Totally not my thing. So I wouldn't really wanna meet anyone. (how dull of me, right? Ha.)
But if I had to pick someone, I guess it would be the lead singer from, (insert band name here). Lol yeah pretty much any band that I listen to, I'd be amazed to hear their stories, how they came about their songs, what started their bands and why they sing what they sing. You imagine a story behind most songs you hear and I'd love to know what those stories are, not from the newspaper, or some "official" page. But from the writer him/herself.

Sure the musics good, but the thought behind the music is what really interests me.

Peace Xo

Day 7: An ex girlfriend/love/crush. Day 8: Your favourite internet friend.

Drinking stops me from blogging and that's probably a good thing so double special.

I get to talk about ex's first. Wonderful.
It's funny how small the line between love and hate is after a relationship ends, I've only properly fallen for two girls so far, one that I was on/off with for about a year, and the other who I very almost had a thing with.The first one ended up with me disliking her and not wanting to really see her ever again because she's a total fuckwit. And the other won't talk to me and has a boyfriend, (pretty sure the two things are linked.) The thing is that both of these girls were my closest friends during my first year in Aus, and I would love to go back to those times of us hanging out and having fun together without anything being weird or troublesome. And there's only one person to blame which unfortunately would be me.
Lesson? Don't fall for your friends, it's a pain trying to replace the people you loved the most.

Favourite Internet Friend? Now here I am trying to rack my brain over who the fuck I've made friends with over the internet and I've come to the conclusion that I haven't. Fuck that. I wanna see someone and make friends with them, I do most of my communicating through body language, and I much prefer reading other people through their body language too. I'm generally a pretty good judge of character straight off the bat, one of those handy traits to have, so why wouldn't I try and use it? So Day 8 go suck a fat one.

I'm going to bed.
Peace Xo

Intermission

yesterdays blog was disrupted by me drinking.
I enjoy drinking, and Wednesday nights at the holdy are regularly attended and thoroughly enjoyed.
Blogs are gay and for when I haven't been drinking.
Thank you.

Day 6: A stranger

Now I'm constantly talking to strangers despite my parents attempts to stop me all through my childhood, mostly because I work in a servo, a little because drunk people are amusing to talk to. But there was this one guy named benny, who the above 2 points both apply to.

It was about 11pm and I was about to close when this guy comes in holding a cardboard box and asks if there are any pies, and since I hadn't thrown out the leftovers for the day I just gave them to him without charging. He in return, thinking I was a champ, offered me some vodka. And unfortunately at this point I was drinking most nights and it sounded like a great idea. So after I had closed the shop I found him sitting down, with his little cardboard box filled with the aforementioned bottle of vodka, green cordial, smokes, a phone and some other stuff. He had made himself quite comfy with his phone playing radio, having a smoke, and the logical part of my brain that said "What the fuck are you doing?" was silenced by the other side going, "FREE BOOZE".
So I sat down and started talking with this complete stranger about working, drinking, what he was doing here, where he came from, and between us finished that vodka. It was one of the strangest nights I've ever had, but all in all It was enjoyable. And that's the thing, if I can do something that normal people wouldn't and come away from it with a positive memory, then why shouldn't I? Not all blokes are creepy pedos, and not all drunks are wankers. It's these types of stereotypes that cause people to grow up in fear of everyone. I know plenty of adults that would cringe if I ever told them that story, because anyone different is bad and dangerous. Thinking that way makes a circle of never ending hate for the unknown. And I say fuck that.

Peace Xo

Day 5: Your dreams

I'm not sure which dreams it's actually referring to, so on the one side, I had a dream last night that one of my ex's was pregnant and getting married with their current boyfriend, that was strange.

Now what I assume it means is my dreams for the future. I've always thought about the future, when I look at jobs, or relationships, or even when making other plans I make sure future me would approve. Or there's the other way of looking at it which isn't so beneficial, where I won't make plans in case future me feels shit on the day (normally from a hangover). And I think I need to stop that, since I'm missing out on doing a lot of things I would enjoy, or even things that would be helpful to me later just because there's a chance I won't feel up to it on the day. This leads to my impulsive plans, which are on the day and rarely work out, which is not fun.

And I just went completely off course there, lets try again.
I see myself in a job earning enough money so I can support a family, I've been like this for a long time. Don't get me wrong here, fuck having a family now, but over the next 10 years I think it'll happen. And that's all I really want for my future, to have a wife and kids, make them happy and to be able to afford nice things. How I'm going to get to that point? Fuck knows, next year I'm going overseas to work and travel Europe, so looking for a long term job now would be pointless. So the next year or 2 is dedicated to me enjoying life, before I have to knuckle down and do some real work.

Speaking of work I've gotta go...
Peace Xo

Day 4: Your sibling/closest relative

So, talking about my siblings, I'm gunna keep this one short before I start to rant about how useless they are.

So I have a brother, (Darren, 24) and sister, (Genna, 13).

I have never, ever got along with my sister, not even a little bit. To be honest I actually don't care at all, she's not exactly someone I would talk to if we weren't siblings. And for the moment, that's fine, I'm sure as we grow up I'll start to care about her, (words from my mother, I'm being optimistic and trying to believe her.)

My brother on the other hand was someone I looked up to. Probably since I didn't start living with him til we moved to Australia. Dad and I used to drive up from Southend to Crew to pick him up, normally for about a week, and then make the same trip to take him home. And I loved that, I loved the trips, I loved seeing him, and whenever he was down we'd have a good time as a family. But not long after he had moved in with us permanently I realised he was nothing special, at times he's actually a dick. He never lets his guard down and tells lie after lie that you just don't know what to believe.

Summary: My brother owes $60,000, and my sister has stolen about $300 from my parents. I have next to no respect for either of them currently, which sucks.

Peace Xo

Day 3: Your parents

So I should make the days bit into hours instead at the rate I'm going through these. Anyway moving on...

Parents, in general, are known to be a pain in the ass whenever an opportunity arises. Well that could just be mine but here's hoping otherwise. Now here's where it gets a little strange, I've never really written or spoken about my biological father, it's a, touchy subject if you will. But the odds of someone reading this are slim to none so why not.

My father died two years ago, around this time actually. I have never met the man, and I only saw pictures after I had been told about him passing away, hell I only learnt his name after he was dead. Charlie. That is the name of my father whom I'll never get a chance to meet. Now comes the tricky part, I have absolutely no idea how to feel on the subject. This is a man I had no connection to at any point in my growing up, this is a man I never even knew existed til he didn't anymore, this is a man whose addiction caused his insides to gradually destroy themselves before he was even 45. I'm torn between misery and anger, anger at the man who abandoned my mother when she wanted to keep me, or misery for the father I never saw.

So being 9 and having your parents come and tell you that the person you've been calling dad since you could remember was just a little strange, but I took it on the chin, it didn't bother me in the slightest, to be honest at the time I was wondering what they were on about. Obviously hadn't thought about that big lump of time where mum and I lived in a flat with a crazy room mate named sherry (I don't really remember her, apart from how nice she was to me) ahh the wonders of being young and clueless.My dad was a good role model, he worked hard, he was nice and friendly to everyone, (who wasn't a prick mind you) and I loved spending time playing games with him, unfortunately the older I got, the worse father he became. At the moment he drinks half a bottle of whiskey a night, is working himself to point of exhaustion, and is really a ticking time bomb of suppressed pressure because of his work. I really hope he's able to sell his business and relax for a bit. Because I'm not sure he realises what it's doing to his health or to mum who more days than not, can't stand him.

My mother is someone I will look up to forever, and I'm proud to say that I'm her son, sure she drinks a bit, and is off her rocker sometimes, but whose mum is perfect? The important thing is she's always been there for me, even when I haven't wanted to talk to anyone she'd talk to me (although I'd refuse to talk to her) and I'd feel a bit better. Hey I never said I was the perfect son here.

It's always been her and I really, even with dad, my (step)brother and (half)sister, mum always came to me when she wanted to talk about something, and even though I'm living out of home atm she always calls to make sure I'm doing ok, eating properly etc... and now I'm a little bit more mature I can have a proper conversation with her, about my future, my living situation, or anything, instead of my refusal to have her be part of my life in anyway. She will always have my full, unconditional love.

(Actually I was an awful teenager now I think about it)

Peace Xo

Day 2: Your Crush/lover

Well doesn't that sound like fun? It would if I had a love life to speak of, it doesn't exactly come easy these days, well for a guy like me anyway. There's no way I want to meet someone in town, odds are they're drunk, and even if they aren't how the hell are you meant to talk with someone when there's a big fuck off speaker wherever you go? And meeting girls through your friends always goes soooo well when your friends are hell bent on giving the worst view of you known to man.

I was discussing girls with my friend Farley earlier this evening. "I just want a girlfriend that would be chill and fun to hang out with, but fine with having some separate friends." This being followed by a "yeah right girls get clingy" doesn't exactly resolve my faith in the matter.

As of right now I am actually crushing on someone, just a little bit, because she's fun and playful, (Gorgeous to boot) but it doesn't matter anyway because she has a boyfriend. I swear girls are only nice to you when they have a boyfriend, if they don't, then they think you're just trying to get with them and won't give you the time of day, even when you have no intention of being anything but their friend. And there's your tip for the day, if a girls nice to you, odds are she has a boyfriend. Thank you internet, for making every guy seem like a a sex crazed perv trying to do nothing but seduce women, and thank you chauvinistic males for proving them right.
Peace Xo

Why I made this blog...

...Is probably the first post I should have made, but the other two came so easy, my bad.

Sooo, I made this for a few reasons, the most important one being, I was bored enough to. Second though is that after reading a few I've realised there are some upsides to a blog, it's like a non-gay diary, well, it's kinda gay, but you get the idea. It's good having some kind of memory of the past, and maybe I can work through some things and become a better person, or realize what I'm looking for. Or maybe it'll just stop be staring blankly at facebook for a couple hours each night, you know to avoid the fear that my parents placed in me of having to go to bed at a dedicated time. I don't think that sentence made sense but I really can't see how to modify it to make sense, hopefully you'll just get it.
Anyway, my point, I feel like my grasp on the English language will continue to slip unless I invest some time into waking up my brain long enough for it to figure out a simple sentence. But if I don't stop this post now it'll continue on into a ramble. Fuck waiting another day for writing day 2.
Peace Xo

Day 1: Your best friend.

Timothy Asser

Since I moved to Australia he's been my best friend, countless nights spent playing games, drinking, going out and big D&M's on John street at the early hours of the morning before I'd walk home. That was before I moved and now, I don't see him much, which is because both of us have busy lives and other friends we hang out with a lot of the time. At the end of the day though, if I'm having shit fly at me from all directions he'll let me know I'm being a complete idiot and that nothings really wrong. I think that's what a best friend should be able to do, bring you back to earth when you think everything has gone haywire. And to rip a new one in your ex's new boyfriend without as much as a word from yourself. I still owe him for that one. =)

Oh, and we're going to be the rulers of the netherworld, just a heads up.

Copy and paste

You must write about the following:


Day 1 - Your best friend.
Day 2 - Your crush/lover.
Day 3 - Your parents.
Day 4 - Your sibling/closest relative.
Day 5 - Your dreams.
Day 6 - A stranger
Day 7 - An ex boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush.
Day 8 - Your favourite internet friend.
Day 9 - Someone you wish you could meet.
Day 10 - Someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to.
Dat 11 - A deceased person you wish you could talk to.
Day 12 - The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain.
Day 13 - Someone you wish could forgive you.
Day 14 - Someone you've drifted away from.
Day 15 - The person you miss the most.
Day 16 - Someone that's not in your state/country.
Day 17 - Someone from your childhood.
Day 18 - The person you wish you could be.
Day 19 - Someone that pesters your mind - good or bad.
Day 20 - The one that your heart the hardest.
Day 21 - Someone you judged by their first impression.
Day 22 - Someone you want to give a second chance to.
Day 23 - The last person you kissed.
Day 24 - The person that gave you your favourite memory.
Day 25 - The person you know that is going through the worst of times.
Day 26 - The last person you made a pinky promise to.
Day 27 - The friendliest person you knew for only one day.
Day 28 - Someone that changed your life.
Day 29 - The person that you want to tell everything to, but too afraid to.
Day 30 - Your reflection in the mirror.


Ahh, good old ctrl c and crtl v, pretty much got me through high school and it's usefulness continues to amaze and astound, God knows I'll change my mind about each of these things pretty much the day after I've written them, but it's always nice to jot them down anyway.


Cheers Bianca =)