The one place I would like to be able to leave

I spend my nights sitting at home bored these days. I say nights, I mean from 11pm til 3am, More the dead of night. I will sit in my room, on my laptop, doing absolutely fuck all and I hate it. It's too early to sleep, and It's too late for anyone else to do anything, nothings open, I'm not interested in playing games, or watching movies. I end up just sitting there, thinking about everything. Which is the place I would like to escape from, the only place that I hate having to deal with is my own head.

Everything is messed up in there, I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling half the time, everything moves so fast that it's like watching bits of sentences fly past while I'm there trying to fit everything together to make some sort of sense. Every possible action and reaction to anything and everything going on in my life is being considered and worked out all at once and it's so tiring. I just want a vacation from myself, I need a break. I can't keep worrying about things, people, relationships, family, friends, the future, the past. I think that's why I drink, it's so nice to have a release from it all, to not worry and just relax and have fun, not to have a care in the world. That's just one way of looking at it though and it's not exactly the most positive outlook on my drinking.

I need a distraction, something I can think about all the time without having to actually worry about it, that I can zone out about for hours because I really find it interesting, just something. I get bored too easily, I never seem to be able to focus on any given thing and I hate it, i hate myself for it. Don't get me wrong, I don't wish my brain away, I'm fine with not being an invalid. Just sometimes, being able to stop it would be good, I wouldn't freak out about stupid things that in reality are absolutely fine, and I wouldn't do stupid things or get in dumb situations like I always do.

Buuuuuuttttt for now, I have beer, so I'm going to get well acquainted with it again, because I haven't drunk on my own in a long time and I can't deal with anyone right now.

Peace Xo