Dammit i did it again.

I was doing well, feeling good about myself and the stuff going on and she calls me and i just flip, back to wanting something more, to not being content by myself and with crazy thought about our future, it sucks. It's like the part of the day that I dread and look forward to at the same time, it's a very strange dynamic. I'm excited to hear about her day, and to talk about mine, as if everything happening to me is more special if she's involved. It makes me so happy to have her there but at the same time, knowing that nothing can happen at this point in time, maybe ever, just sours the entire talk. Like the gloomy cloud blocking out the sun that just won't go away, like it's magically attached there just to ruin the moment. I woke up at 1 am again and I have nothing to do, so I have a very long night ahead thinking about the best course of action from here, do I try to make the move on? Or do I put myself through the joy and the pain of staying close to her? I know the smart answer is to stay away, I know it'll help in the long run, but part of me can't let go, and a bigger part just straight up doesn't want to. I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, we should be happy together. Just as easy as that. I miss stuff being easy, where did those times go? Everything these days is wrapped up in issues and costs and just sucks. At the end of the day I want to be happy, and as happy as I am with myself after moving forward in my life and becoming a person again, she makes me the happiest. I just can't let that dream die just yet so I'll shoulder the pain, and the hard times, with the hope of a sunny day to wake up to.

I always want more

I think the expression is, "aim for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" my problem is that I do that, but instead of heading to the stars, the earth's gravity pulls me back down and I end up smashing into the ground. I just imagined myself being fired from a catapult and that happening, like an old looney tunes cartoon, shit's funny. The reality of it though, is that it takes me so long to recover from the fall that it makes me not want to try again. Why do I want to put myself through pain and disappointment again? For that very small chance that it'll work this time? I just don't have the faith for it anymore, like my chest has been trampled one too many times. The truth is that I will recover, and I will fling myself to the heavens again, but right now I feel like hell and it's a really hard feeling to get over. People say you never know unless you try, but it's trying that's gotten me feeling down every other time and I haven't seen the brighter side of trying in too long. If I could skip forward a couple years that'd be great, so I don't have to go through any more disappointment right now because I'm sick of it. The bad feelings, the self doubt, the never ending feeling that I'm just not good enough. I am good enough, fuck everyone who says otherwise.

Drinking never solves anything.

I'm so emotionally unstable it's a joke, today is one of those days it's apparently clear how bad it really is. I feel sick to my stomach thanks to my own thoughts and all I want to do is drink and smoke it away which never helps, it just puts a haze over them. (jesus I comma splice like a bitch, I'm constantly going back and changing my sentences.) I don't know how to stop it though, when i'm around people it sorts itself out and when I'm with someone I'm interested in I can control it, but on my own I'm my own worst enemy. I wonder if it's all the things that have gone on in my life that I think about or I let affect me that have caused this kind of emotional trauma i put myself through again and again or if I'm just that weak of a person that i can't control it. That scares me, that I'm just weak, it's put a giant halt into me moving forward in my life for so long and everytime I think I'm getting better it comes right back again with vengeance. I want to be so much better than this but I can't physically do it on my own, which is horrible to admit but rings so true. Everyone says that you have to be comfortable on your own, that you can only rely on yourself but I don't believe that for a second, I know I'm better with someone to depend on, that depends on me. If i have to be strong for someone else I can do it in a heartbeat, but for myself? I fall short. Maybe that's the only reason I'm ever interested in anyone else, so I can feel better about me, what a sad joke. I'm sick of wanting to be more than this, why can't I just do it? Why can't I be the person I know I can be on my own? Urgh, this way of thinking really pisses me off. I'm into that part of my life where the writing isn't to talk through my problems with myself, it's to vent at how fucked off I am with myself on a daily basis. This level of self hatred really can't be healthy. On the bright side, at least I'm not drunk again, I think that counts as an upside? Who knows?

Patterns and change

I've seen the pattern of the things I'm going through before, this is the point before everything comes crashing back down and i start hating everything again. It's something I hate and I really don't want to deal with, I want this time to be different for everything to end up like I want it to be. I want to have the faith that it'll end well but it's so hard sometimes, life isn't like the games I used to play where there's eventually a happy ending, it's work, effort and a heap of good luck to get you by. I want to change my life for the better, and I've started taking steps to do just that which is great, but I feel like I'm changing inside and that scares the crap out of me. At the end of the day I like me, I hate somethings but you know, no ones perfect, and I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect to get what i want or to be with who I want. That's how this will end, I'll change for stuff to start working in my life, and it won't be good enough and i'll be back to square one. I hate square one, it can go fuck itself.

Depression

So today I feel like I've moved back 3 months to where I was most depressed, not wanting to get out of bed to do the things i needed, even to do things i wanted. I hate being like this but it feels like something I just can't help, I can't just flick the switch and be O.K. with myself. Most days I can put on a happy face while people are around and manage to get through the day but today I've been just a shell of my former self, where I'll try to sleep just so I don't have to deal with the day anymore.

My friends assume it's do to with the break-up but it's really not, I've had days like this before and during my short lived relationship and I'm sick to death of it. Is it so much to ask to be happy? That's all I've ever really wanted, I don't care about money, acceptance or anything you can think of, I just want to be happy with myself. Maybe being alone is better, so I don't have to put the way I feel on to anyone else. The only thing I want more than happiness for myself, is for the people around me to be happy, but I'm making it harder for them, for anyone I meet.

I don't want to kill myself or anything drastic, but sometimes I think it'd be better for everyone if I just disappeared.

Sometimes once just isn't enough

Or in my case 100 times. So when I'm in a certain mood I'll only listen to one song, the song changes but it's always the same idea thing, i don't get sick of a song til I play it for a couple days straight. It's a comfort thing i guess? I'm actually tired so I should stop typing, I'm running out of things to question  anyway, now to hope for the ever elusive sleep that I crave.

I had just started getting used to sleeping next to someone as well, that's annoying.

Hugging machine?

I haven't wrote this much of my own free will ever, it's kinda nice, the internet is my wall to bounce my own thoughts off of to make sense of them all. Don't get me wrong, i like doing it with friends, but their opinions and thoughts get mixed in with mine and I don't need that at the moment, lets try and work out what I'm thinking before I throw someone else's ideals into the mix. And it's a lot more distracting than the games I've played 1000 times over with being somewhat useful at the same time. I miss the hugs though, guess the internet hasn't quite got everything I want.

And I just imagined my laptop growing arms and hugging me, i don't think I've been more, scared? Grossed out at an idea? Like that movie, "Her" when he falls in love with an artificial intelligence, great movie but thinking about it is super creepy. I didn't really look into it but apparently people decided it had hidden meanings, the way i saw it was don't be hypocritical of someone else's relationship, it worked for them so let them be happy, I mean that's all we're on the earth for anyway right? To get by and try and be happy, that's how I see it anyway. If i can make someone's day that bit better I will, which in turn makes my day better. I wish everyone was nicer sometimes, if we all looked out for everyone else the world wouldn't be such a bad place. When i told her she was too nice her reply was always the same, that everyone else just wasn't nice enough. I love that.

Friends...

Is becoming friends with someone that you've split from just an excuse to keep them in your life? How soon is too soon for becoming close again? Is it just going to lead to resenting them for not feeling the same about you anymore while you harbour all the feelings you still have for them? I wish there was something to tell you that it's a terrible idea and that it'll make things so much worse for you, or on the flip side that it's the best thing to do because you really need them in your life, even if it's platonic you still need them there for the same reasons, to encourage you to be the better person you know you can be. Shouldn't you be able to do that on your own though? It's not exactly fair on either party to make them accountable for your happiness but that's exactly the way it goes, that's essentially what a relationship is, someone who makes you that better person that you love and want around all the time.

Maybe that's why people love god, he's not going anywhere and he will always love you, even at your worst. It seems such an easier way of life, all I have to do is love god, he can't hurt me and I can't do anything so bad that he won't forgive me as long as I repent. It seems like the easy way out now I think about it, does that make me horrible for coming to that conclusion? It's so easy to have faith in something that can't actually do anything wrong to you. The real test of faith is when you can be let down, disappointed, when there's something on the line to physically lose. I'll go to church and ask, they'll have a reason, but I think I'm right on this one.

I've never thought about religion this much in my entire life, well at least it gets me away from thinking about her, or maybe it's my way of keeping her around in my thoughts, coping mechanism possibly? God knows... apparently.

Online Diary?

Is that the point of a blog? I've essentially been throwing half thoughts into clumsy sentences about my life and whats going on in my head which I don't know what to do with, so I type away, hoping to make sense of any of it. Now I think about it if anyone does ever read this stuff and has any ideas on the whole situation then feel free to contact me, although that would be an awkward situation wouldn't it? "Oh that thing you wrote about how you really think and feel? Yeah I read that, let's talk about it!" oh dear god, yeah never mind lets just hope no one ever reads any of this, none of it makes sense anyway and I'll be tired of writing them by next week if last time is anything to go by.

3 years really went fast, it's kind of sad that I feel that I've made no progress in my life for so long, like I've been stuck in one place getting older with things and people changing around me while I've been playing with my thumbs thinking about what to do next and not doing anything. I guess on the bright side I haven't done anything to screw over my life? I'm not on drugs, or have debt, or have anything wrong with my physical health (apart from the smoking but you know, shit happens). I have all the tools to go out and make a life worth living and for the first time in forever I'm up for doing just that, because I broke up with someone? No, that doesn't seem right, maybe because I believe her, she had faith in me, that i'm actually worth something where I had lost all faith in myself. Yeah that's it i think, I've never been the person to bet on myself, it's not that there was no faith, just that I was betting on my failure which semi guarantees it's occurrence so I'll stop doing that. Well I'll try, gimme a break it's a lifelong habit which is a little harder to break than just saying it.

I wish i was better at writing, even reading things back is slightly painful, it all seems out of place without any flow to it what-so-ever. That's what i get for typing out thoughts I guess.

Abandon ship

The first lyric in the song I've been playing over and over is "Give me some religion" I'm not sure if it's just because of the easter holiday or whats gone on but it seems religion is all around me at the moment, I feel amused at the same time as wanting to break the hell down.

Emotions have always been my biggest downfall, it's just the way I am I guess, as much as I always know the best path ahead I can never go against my heart and it's gotten me into endless trouble. I have to be the only person that following their heart is bad for, it seems like I've never been worse off than when i follow that big pulsing ball of feelings in my chest into a series of never ending bad events. But as much as i regret soo many different situations that I've gotten myself into, I think i really just have to come to terms with it, that's just me the way I am and it's never going to change and in reality I don't even want it to. Sure i get screwed over but it's not like I don't have fun on my way there, and lets be honest, over thinking everything is a giant pain in the ass that ends with the most ridiculous of thoughts about anything and everything. Last week i worked myself up about going to learn to dance, it starts innocent enough, "oh I won't like it, I'm going to be bad at it" quickly turned into "I'm going to knock someone over, break something and not be able to walk ever again or embarrass the people that told me i should come and make them never want to go again" like it gets absolutely blown out of proportion before it could even happen, not that it ever would. I spend so much time in an argument with myself about every little damn thing that I never end up doing anything, so I might just go back to my old ways, I mean it's better to at least try right?

Maybe not the best time for that conclusion though, going through a break up is hard, and if I had just stopped before it started I could have saved myself a huge amount of heartache. On that note I nearly did stop. So my friend said he had a bad run in with this girl and that she said they couldn't be close friends anymore, he blamed it on her relgiousness, that she was weird with guys because of it and that's where I should have listened and gone, "oh right, well i can't be with someone who's religious, my life is one big sin" instead I went with " yeah but there's probably other reasoning for it, fuck it, lets ask her out anyway." I'm still torn about my choice which is understandable post breakup, her love for god is essentially the only reason we aren't together which sucks, but I at least I feel like I understand it. Whether that's due to post relationship acceptance of her the way she is or I sincerely feel that way is yet to be determined but you know, for now I don't hate her so that's nice. 

Even reading that back is confusing,  I don't even know what I'm thinking at the moment, I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel lost, I feel determined, but above all I feel alone, and I hate that more than anything.

So this is still a thing

I'm older, I'm meant to be wiser, but apparently I haven't changed at all over the last 3 years, how scary. Although there is some subtleties I feel i'm not paying attention to, like how bitter I sounded and how even I'm not THAT pessimistic anymore, although at times i certainly want to be.

So leading on from my last post I actually found someone who, go figure, i had described earlier. Now I know what you're thinking, "hooray! He found someone! Now maybe he'll get over being so depressing" and I was, for a bit, until it ended, and i went on an excellent 2 day bender which ended when I managed to think going into a church drunk off my mind and sitting through an Easter service was a good choice. Short version, it wasn't. Long version, I'll be going back, preferably sober this time, to try and find a community of people that I can be a part of and to try and help other people who need it. I'm not sure if I'll find God but it can't hurt to keep an open mind. At the end of the day I just want to help people, and i think for now this is the best way to do it.
(wow, super not bitter, this is an honest surprise.)

I wish this ipod player had a remote, it's in just an awkward enough place to be a pain in the ass when i wanna change songs. Currently listening to Abandon Ship by Less Than Jake by the way, ska music has been really helping, it's mix of being the happiest music you can listen to with being the most depressing songs lyrically. It's kinda like whispering to people that you're hurt, anyone there taking notice will respond, while those who don't care will go on without a second look.

So I made some plans which is awesome, I'm going to save up and go travelling with my friend Craig, I never went away when I was younger because I managed to break my stupid foot and proceed to spend all my money on rent and food. He recently went through a break up as well and his go-to response is to travel, it'll be good for both of us to get away. I have a list of stuff I have to do in my life that I'll be doing, it seems like forever since I've done even one thing that's productive for my life and now I'm suddenly single, alone, yet filled with more hope for the future than I ever have been in my entire life. Shit's weird.

I never understand why writing this blog makes me feel better, or why having it completely open for anyone to view makes it hilarious to me, because the odds of anyone actually doing so are slim to none. I'm just another guy telling his life story on the internet, the only difference is that i don't want the attention, it's enough to just get it out... And now I've thought about it I might send it to her later on, if I continue with it, and if i get anywhere, if i crawl back into non-existence it's staying hidden in the darkest corners of the abyss of the internet.

Plan, get a life back for myself, start saving, start enjoying myself instead of being in a constant state of depression or relying on others to hold me up, If that means going back to the psychologist then so be it. Help people, it's something I need in my life and that I've put off doing for so long for no good reason at all, and I don't just mean being there for friends, actually go out with the plan to change someones existence  making it better. I think it's only fair that while I feel embodied with a new strength from someone that I share that feeling.

Summary; been 3 years, have done sweet fuck all, suddenly feel like the world isn't so bad and want to better myself. Lets see if i feel like this tomorrow or if it's all just a fancy dream that I'm going to try and sleep my way through.