So this is still a thing

I'm older, I'm meant to be wiser, but apparently I haven't changed at all over the last 3 years, how scary. Although there is some subtleties I feel i'm not paying attention to, like how bitter I sounded and how even I'm not THAT pessimistic anymore, although at times i certainly want to be.

So leading on from my last post I actually found someone who, go figure, i had described earlier. Now I know what you're thinking, "hooray! He found someone! Now maybe he'll get over being so depressing" and I was, for a bit, until it ended, and i went on an excellent 2 day bender which ended when I managed to think going into a church drunk off my mind and sitting through an Easter service was a good choice. Short version, it wasn't. Long version, I'll be going back, preferably sober this time, to try and find a community of people that I can be a part of and to try and help other people who need it. I'm not sure if I'll find God but it can't hurt to keep an open mind. At the end of the day I just want to help people, and i think for now this is the best way to do it.
(wow, super not bitter, this is an honest surprise.)

I wish this ipod player had a remote, it's in just an awkward enough place to be a pain in the ass when i wanna change songs. Currently listening to Abandon Ship by Less Than Jake by the way, ska music has been really helping, it's mix of being the happiest music you can listen to with being the most depressing songs lyrically. It's kinda like whispering to people that you're hurt, anyone there taking notice will respond, while those who don't care will go on without a second look.

So I made some plans which is awesome, I'm going to save up and go travelling with my friend Craig, I never went away when I was younger because I managed to break my stupid foot and proceed to spend all my money on rent and food. He recently went through a break up as well and his go-to response is to travel, it'll be good for both of us to get away. I have a list of stuff I have to do in my life that I'll be doing, it seems like forever since I've done even one thing that's productive for my life and now I'm suddenly single, alone, yet filled with more hope for the future than I ever have been in my entire life. Shit's weird.

I never understand why writing this blog makes me feel better, or why having it completely open for anyone to view makes it hilarious to me, because the odds of anyone actually doing so are slim to none. I'm just another guy telling his life story on the internet, the only difference is that i don't want the attention, it's enough to just get it out... And now I've thought about it I might send it to her later on, if I continue with it, and if i get anywhere, if i crawl back into non-existence it's staying hidden in the darkest corners of the abyss of the internet.

Plan, get a life back for myself, start saving, start enjoying myself instead of being in a constant state of depression or relying on others to hold me up, If that means going back to the psychologist then so be it. Help people, it's something I need in my life and that I've put off doing for so long for no good reason at all, and I don't just mean being there for friends, actually go out with the plan to change someones existence  making it better. I think it's only fair that while I feel embodied with a new strength from someone that I share that feeling.

Summary; been 3 years, have done sweet fuck all, suddenly feel like the world isn't so bad and want to better myself. Lets see if i feel like this tomorrow or if it's all just a fancy dream that I'm going to try and sleep my way through.