Emotions have always been my biggest downfall, it's just the way I am I guess, as much as I always know the best path ahead I can never go against my heart and it's gotten me into endless trouble. I have to be the only person that following their heart is bad for, it seems like I've never been worse off than when i follow that big pulsing ball of feelings in my chest into a series of never ending bad events. But as much as i regret soo many different situations that I've gotten myself into, I think i really just have to come to terms with it, that's just me the way I am and it's never going to change and in reality I don't even want it to. Sure i get screwed over but it's not like I don't have fun on my way there, and lets be honest, over thinking everything is a giant pain in the ass that ends with the most ridiculous of thoughts about anything and everything. Last week i worked myself up about going to learn to dance, it starts innocent enough, "oh I won't like it, I'm going to be bad at it" quickly turned into "I'm going to knock someone over, break something and not be able to walk ever again or embarrass the people that told me i should come and make them never want to go again" like it gets absolutely blown out of proportion before it could even happen, not that it ever would. I spend so much time in an argument with myself about every little damn thing that I never end up doing anything, so I might just go back to my old ways, I mean it's better to at least try right?
Maybe not the best time for that conclusion though, going through a break up is hard, and if I had just stopped before it started I could have saved myself a huge amount of heartache. On that note I nearly did stop. So my friend said he had a bad run in with this girl and that she said they couldn't be close friends anymore, he blamed it on her relgiousness, that she was weird with guys because of it and that's where I should have listened and gone, "oh right, well i can't be with someone who's religious, my life is one big sin" instead I went with " yeah but there's probably other reasoning for it, fuck it, lets ask her out anyway." I'm still torn about my choice which is understandable post breakup, her love for god is essentially the only reason we aren't together which sucks, but I at least I feel like I understand it. Whether that's due to post relationship acceptance of her the way she is or I sincerely feel that way is yet to be determined but you know, for now I don't hate her so that's nice.
Even reading that back is confusing, I don't even know what I'm thinking at the moment, I'm sad, I'm angry, I feel lost, I feel determined, but above all I feel alone, and I hate that more than anything.
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