Dammit i did it again.

I was doing well, feeling good about myself and the stuff going on and she calls me and i just flip, back to wanting something more, to not being content by myself and with crazy thought about our future, it sucks. It's like the part of the day that I dread and look forward to at the same time, it's a very strange dynamic. I'm excited to hear about her day, and to talk about mine, as if everything happening to me is more special if she's involved. It makes me so happy to have her there but at the same time, knowing that nothing can happen at this point in time, maybe ever, just sours the entire talk. Like the gloomy cloud blocking out the sun that just won't go away, like it's magically attached there just to ruin the moment. I woke up at 1 am again and I have nothing to do, so I have a very long night ahead thinking about the best course of action from here, do I try to make the move on? Or do I put myself through the joy and the pain of staying close to her? I know the smart answer is to stay away, I know it'll help in the long run, but part of me can't let go, and a bigger part just straight up doesn't want to. I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, we should be happy together. Just as easy as that. I miss stuff being easy, where did those times go? Everything these days is wrapped up in issues and costs and just sucks. At the end of the day I want to be happy, and as happy as I am with myself after moving forward in my life and becoming a person again, she makes me the happiest. I just can't let that dream die just yet so I'll shoulder the pain, and the hard times, with the hope of a sunny day to wake up to.