Drinking never solves anything.

I'm so emotionally unstable it's a joke, today is one of those days it's apparently clear how bad it really is. I feel sick to my stomach thanks to my own thoughts and all I want to do is drink and smoke it away which never helps, it just puts a haze over them. (jesus I comma splice like a bitch, I'm constantly going back and changing my sentences.) I don't know how to stop it though, when i'm around people it sorts itself out and when I'm with someone I'm interested in I can control it, but on my own I'm my own worst enemy. I wonder if it's all the things that have gone on in my life that I think about or I let affect me that have caused this kind of emotional trauma i put myself through again and again or if I'm just that weak of a person that i can't control it. That scares me, that I'm just weak, it's put a giant halt into me moving forward in my life for so long and everytime I think I'm getting better it comes right back again with vengeance. I want to be so much better than this but I can't physically do it on my own, which is horrible to admit but rings so true. Everyone says that you have to be comfortable on your own, that you can only rely on yourself but I don't believe that for a second, I know I'm better with someone to depend on, that depends on me. If i have to be strong for someone else I can do it in a heartbeat, but for myself? I fall short. Maybe that's the only reason I'm ever interested in anyone else, so I can feel better about me, what a sad joke. I'm sick of wanting to be more than this, why can't I just do it? Why can't I be the person I know I can be on my own? Urgh, this way of thinking really pisses me off. I'm into that part of my life where the writing isn't to talk through my problems with myself, it's to vent at how fucked off I am with myself on a daily basis. This level of self hatred really can't be healthy. On the bright side, at least I'm not drunk again, I think that counts as an upside? Who knows?