For Fuck Sake.

How about you fucking get over it, I know you don't like me, I don't care. You said 'I don't do awkward', well that's bullshit cos this isn't exactly a friendship is it? I'm not going to text you, call you, make plans with you, because you don't want anything to do with me, and I've seen how that conversation will go, "Hey, whats the deal? do you just want nothing to do with me anymore?" "What are you on about?" "Well I haven't heard from you, you haven't been rocking up to places that you know I'll be, and I'm not a fucking idiot." "Don't try and act like you know me that well, I've been busy! It's not like I have to talk to you all the time." "No but once in a blue moon would be nice."

You're not interested in even being my friend, so just say that to me. Because it sucks, sure, but it's worse knowing that you're just going to try to ignore and avoid me. I already have someone doing that, but at least she has a decent reason for it. Just be fucking honest with me, because I'm sick of this, and I don't want to do it anymore.

You don't know what you want.

Screams my friend from one side of the party to the other. Now anytime I hear someone say it all I can think of is the tristmas banking goldrush carousel. Don't ask. The point is, I don't know what I want, I know what I think I want, but I'm never totally sure, it's like there's always that sliver of doubt holding me back that I just can't get rid of. So many ideas and plans that I'll back down from on the off chance that I'm not actually interested.

At the moment, what I think I want is, new friends, to go to the fringe comedy shows, to get another job, and to travel to England and around Europe. But on the other hand, I love my current friends, and whenever I make new friends they come and go a little too easily. The comedy things would be great, but it's money I should be saving. I always say I should get a new job because mines boring as hell, but at the same time I've grown comfortable with things the way they are. And Europe, I just don't know, I always say I want to get out of here, away from my mundane life, but It's a scary thought, what if we come back and everything has changed, what if someone has died when we return, I dunno, those were stupid reasons, but I just don't know if this IS what I really want. All I've ever truly wanted was someone to be close to, that's the one constant in my life, and that sucks because so far it's the only unachievable thing I've had. I don't want to be left alone, but I don't want to settle either. 

Everyone has started to couple up, And I mean absolutely EVERYONE. No more hangs and fun times, they now reside in couple town. And this is my reason for not wanting someone. Find me someone who I will fall for, and who will be able to come out with me and go and have fun without me. I don't want a ball and chain, and vice versa, I'm not going to hold someone back from having a good time. Eurgh, fuck this, it's another I want the perfect relationship rant. I was using this to try and unjumble my head space because I couldn't work out what was going on, it worked, this sucks.

Maybe I just don't want to.

Why should I? This is what took so long last time, I found something that would work, and fuck giving up on it, I don't want to have to move on and leave it behind forever. Sure, I'll give it a rest, I won't go on about it, or think about it, but it won't just disappear. I don't want it to. I'm sick of leaving people behind in my wake, I want to remain friends with all the people I've enjoyed being in the company of. But life doesn't let you. So sod it, I'm not moving on, I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is what I want at the moment, if it changes then it changes, but my head and heart don't normally pick the same girls, they never sync up with anything really, so when they do I know it'll work, or I at least have to have a try at making it work.

If only it was that easy, I have to take into account other peoples feelings as well instead of being consumed by nothing but my own. Sure I can see it working, and I swear I'll be the best I can, it just takes a little while for me to calm down, instead of just going nuts about it. Guess that comes from not thinking anything will work out any other time, or maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever. All I know is that given the chance, I would prove it, I'd be nothing but amazing.

I hate not being able to sleep, or not letting myself sleep, or something, I dunno.
I just want that chance, that's all, I'm sick of falling before I get to the starting line.

All I Want.

I’m always screaming my lungs out
Till my head starts spinning.
Playing my songs is the way I cope with life.
Won’t keep my voice down.
Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud.

I like to keep things honest.
I’m a safe bet like your life’s staked on it. For real.
I’d hate to keep you all wondering.
I’m constant like the seasons 
I will never be forgotten, man.

Let’s leave no words unspoken
And save regrets for the broken.
Will you even look back when you think of me?

All I want is a place to call my own,
And mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa
You know to keep your hopes up high and your head down low.
Keep your hopes up high and your head down low.








I'm open, honest, direct and want that from everyone I meet. I'm sorry if I offend you, I mean no harm, but if it's the truth then you should know anyway.


I refuse to hide my feelings, I don't care what you think of me for it, it's my path, and I'll live it the way I want, and although I'll regret it at times, I know there's no other way. Lies get you no where, and I'm going places, accept me for it and know that I'm going to be the best, no matter what the competition is, I refuse to back down from life.

Moving up in the world.

On the dawn of my 20th year in this god awful world we live, I'm pretty happy with life as a whole. I have my plans, I have a decent paying job, I have nothing but love from my close friends and family, but I'm far from relaxing, I still have so much more to go out and achieve. Albeit that I'm not quite sure what that IS at the moment, I'm sure it'll show itself in time. That's been my philosophy so far and it's been working for me, 'Something will always happen' Whether it's for good or bad, and regardless of it's helpfulness in my life, something WILL happen. The world isn't going to just stop, not for you, not for me, not for anyone, even when we could kill for it to. We must continue, and since we have to anyway, I'm choosing to aim for success in everything I do.

I over think, and I have these ridiculous visions of the future, not because that's what I will think will happen, but because I can't actually stop myself. My mind is amazing at throwing itself into the future and planning things that will happen 10's of years from now, and giving present me a quick glimpse of what it expects. Most people live up to other peoples expectations, while I find trouble in living up to my own. But it's too late to bail out now, so I'll be the best person I can be. Which is pretty damn good providing my brain isn't lying to me.

I don't know what this was about, I'm tired, and I turned 20 today. Fuck this.

Peace Xo

And what did we learn?

That some people just aren't worth your time, effort or thoughts in general, and that's sad to say. There should be something about anyone you can identify with and share, the world is full of hate, and we add to it all too easy for no real reasons. I'll take this as an opportunity to learn, instead of taking bad feelings and memories from something that never really happened.

We change who we are around ones we've loved, whether it be friend love, true love, or just something that could have turned into love, some people change for the better, some for the worse, but sure as hell it changes you. To find someone that can love the old you, the new you and vice versa is one of life's biggest challenges. I mean look at everything else the average person has to deal with. It's got nothing on relationships. They are just messed up. I don't understand how people manage them, or how for some people they just happen and it just works, no trouble at all. Until it blows up and apparently there were problems all along that no one knew about. In the end is it even worth it? We spend our lives chasing love, or at least the idea of it, that it'll make everything else better, make life easier, but all I've seen it do is destroy friendships, hurt families and leave people broken, is the little bit of happiness one feels from love really worth it? I really wonder if there's any point in it at all.

But here's the hope that it surpasses all the negatives, that it's eternal and really will change life forever. Because without that hope, I wouldn't see the point in continuing this search, and then I'd just be bored, fuck that. I'll keep on the look out for my perfect girl, smart, funny, good looking, actually it's a long list, I'm pretty picky.

I'm sorry it ended like this, but keep in mind I only made what you started worse. It didn't have to end like this if you hadn't acted the way you did, but we can't change the past, so I'm leaving everything here, no hard feelings from here out. Closures a lovely thing.

Peace out Xo

P.S. the real answer is we learned nothing, and we'll make all these mistakes again, because falling for someone makes you forget everything you've learnt, every rule you've been taught, and you end up just going with your heart. Hoping that the other person will follow suit.

Riddled questions and unsure answers.

You Be Tails, I'll Be Sonic:


I'm a mess that's the best way to describe it
I leave no time to myself the only way I can fight it
When I'm alone it's like I'm staring into a mirror
Don't know the person inside it and that's never been any clearer.




Ok, So before I was annoyed, and now, I'm just not, at all. That's the handy thing about this silly little blog, I can write down my thoughts and feel like i've got it out of my system, and don't have to worry about the repercussions of what I've written, instead of saying something to someone and making them hate me. I've really got to learn to control my thoughts because they will be the death of everything around me, I make things up in my head, and if I don't know exactly what happened, or the truth behind something I'll make one up, whether it's plausible or not.
Pretty sure that's why I push for the truth behind most things, if I take an interest in something in your life you should be worried, because as long as my mind fixates on it and I don't know the exact story or circumstance my mind will make up it's own. Which will just lead to me questioning about it anyway to see if I was right. This is why I either make people open up, or annoy them to a point where they want me dead, not even kidding. 


Side Note:
I jumped around so much today that I cant tense my stomach without being in pain, I've obviously lost my tolerance to energy drinks because I was jumping like a loony for 2 hours straight. There are some things about work i love, the top one being able to piss off annoying customers by turning up the music and demanding their money. I've had so many weird looks from people because I'm jumping around that I've made it a challenge to get everyone to think I'm mentally handicapped. I'm hoping they won't come and bother me anymore. I'll let you know how this progresses.


Peace Xo