Dammit i did it again.

I was doing well, feeling good about myself and the stuff going on and she calls me and i just flip, back to wanting something more, to not being content by myself and with crazy thought about our future, it sucks. It's like the part of the day that I dread and look forward to at the same time, it's a very strange dynamic. I'm excited to hear about her day, and to talk about mine, as if everything happening to me is more special if she's involved. It makes me so happy to have her there but at the same time, knowing that nothing can happen at this point in time, maybe ever, just sours the entire talk. Like the gloomy cloud blocking out the sun that just won't go away, like it's magically attached there just to ruin the moment. I woke up at 1 am again and I have nothing to do, so I have a very long night ahead thinking about the best course of action from here, do I try to make the move on? Or do I put myself through the joy and the pain of staying close to her? I know the smart answer is to stay away, I know it'll help in the long run, but part of me can't let go, and a bigger part just straight up doesn't want to. I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, we should be happy together. Just as easy as that. I miss stuff being easy, where did those times go? Everything these days is wrapped up in issues and costs and just sucks. At the end of the day I want to be happy, and as happy as I am with myself after moving forward in my life and becoming a person again, she makes me the happiest. I just can't let that dream die just yet so I'll shoulder the pain, and the hard times, with the hope of a sunny day to wake up to.

I always want more

I think the expression is, "aim for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" my problem is that I do that, but instead of heading to the stars, the earth's gravity pulls me back down and I end up smashing into the ground. I just imagined myself being fired from a catapult and that happening, like an old looney tunes cartoon, shit's funny. The reality of it though, is that it takes me so long to recover from the fall that it makes me not want to try again. Why do I want to put myself through pain and disappointment again? For that very small chance that it'll work this time? I just don't have the faith for it anymore, like my chest has been trampled one too many times. The truth is that I will recover, and I will fling myself to the heavens again, but right now I feel like hell and it's a really hard feeling to get over. People say you never know unless you try, but it's trying that's gotten me feeling down every other time and I haven't seen the brighter side of trying in too long. If I could skip forward a couple years that'd be great, so I don't have to go through any more disappointment right now because I'm sick of it. The bad feelings, the self doubt, the never ending feeling that I'm just not good enough. I am good enough, fuck everyone who says otherwise.

Drinking never solves anything.

I'm so emotionally unstable it's a joke, today is one of those days it's apparently clear how bad it really is. I feel sick to my stomach thanks to my own thoughts and all I want to do is drink and smoke it away which never helps, it just puts a haze over them. (jesus I comma splice like a bitch, I'm constantly going back and changing my sentences.) I don't know how to stop it though, when i'm around people it sorts itself out and when I'm with someone I'm interested in I can control it, but on my own I'm my own worst enemy. I wonder if it's all the things that have gone on in my life that I think about or I let affect me that have caused this kind of emotional trauma i put myself through again and again or if I'm just that weak of a person that i can't control it. That scares me, that I'm just weak, it's put a giant halt into me moving forward in my life for so long and everytime I think I'm getting better it comes right back again with vengeance. I want to be so much better than this but I can't physically do it on my own, which is horrible to admit but rings so true. Everyone says that you have to be comfortable on your own, that you can only rely on yourself but I don't believe that for a second, I know I'm better with someone to depend on, that depends on me. If i have to be strong for someone else I can do it in a heartbeat, but for myself? I fall short. Maybe that's the only reason I'm ever interested in anyone else, so I can feel better about me, what a sad joke. I'm sick of wanting to be more than this, why can't I just do it? Why can't I be the person I know I can be on my own? Urgh, this way of thinking really pisses me off. I'm into that part of my life where the writing isn't to talk through my problems with myself, it's to vent at how fucked off I am with myself on a daily basis. This level of self hatred really can't be healthy. On the bright side, at least I'm not drunk again, I think that counts as an upside? Who knows?

Patterns and change

I've seen the pattern of the things I'm going through before, this is the point before everything comes crashing back down and i start hating everything again. It's something I hate and I really don't want to deal with, I want this time to be different for everything to end up like I want it to be. I want to have the faith that it'll end well but it's so hard sometimes, life isn't like the games I used to play where there's eventually a happy ending, it's work, effort and a heap of good luck to get you by. I want to change my life for the better, and I've started taking steps to do just that which is great, but I feel like I'm changing inside and that scares the crap out of me. At the end of the day I like me, I hate somethings but you know, no ones perfect, and I don't want to feel like I have to be perfect to get what i want or to be with who I want. That's how this will end, I'll change for stuff to start working in my life, and it won't be good enough and i'll be back to square one. I hate square one, it can go fuck itself.

Depression

So today I feel like I've moved back 3 months to where I was most depressed, not wanting to get out of bed to do the things i needed, even to do things i wanted. I hate being like this but it feels like something I just can't help, I can't just flick the switch and be O.K. with myself. Most days I can put on a happy face while people are around and manage to get through the day but today I've been just a shell of my former self, where I'll try to sleep just so I don't have to deal with the day anymore.

My friends assume it's do to with the break-up but it's really not, I've had days like this before and during my short lived relationship and I'm sick to death of it. Is it so much to ask to be happy? That's all I've ever really wanted, I don't care about money, acceptance or anything you can think of, I just want to be happy with myself. Maybe being alone is better, so I don't have to put the way I feel on to anyone else. The only thing I want more than happiness for myself, is for the people around me to be happy, but I'm making it harder for them, for anyone I meet.

I don't want to kill myself or anything drastic, but sometimes I think it'd be better for everyone if I just disappeared.

Sometimes once just isn't enough

Or in my case 100 times. So when I'm in a certain mood I'll only listen to one song, the song changes but it's always the same idea thing, i don't get sick of a song til I play it for a couple days straight. It's a comfort thing i guess? I'm actually tired so I should stop typing, I'm running out of things to question  anyway, now to hope for the ever elusive sleep that I crave.

I had just started getting used to sleeping next to someone as well, that's annoying.

Hugging machine?

I haven't wrote this much of my own free will ever, it's kinda nice, the internet is my wall to bounce my own thoughts off of to make sense of them all. Don't get me wrong, i like doing it with friends, but their opinions and thoughts get mixed in with mine and I don't need that at the moment, lets try and work out what I'm thinking before I throw someone else's ideals into the mix. And it's a lot more distracting than the games I've played 1000 times over with being somewhat useful at the same time. I miss the hugs though, guess the internet hasn't quite got everything I want.

And I just imagined my laptop growing arms and hugging me, i don't think I've been more, scared? Grossed out at an idea? Like that movie, "Her" when he falls in love with an artificial intelligence, great movie but thinking about it is super creepy. I didn't really look into it but apparently people decided it had hidden meanings, the way i saw it was don't be hypocritical of someone else's relationship, it worked for them so let them be happy, I mean that's all we're on the earth for anyway right? To get by and try and be happy, that's how I see it anyway. If i can make someone's day that bit better I will, which in turn makes my day better. I wish everyone was nicer sometimes, if we all looked out for everyone else the world wouldn't be such a bad place. When i told her she was too nice her reply was always the same, that everyone else just wasn't nice enough. I love that.