Dammit i did it again.

I was doing well, feeling good about myself and the stuff going on and she calls me and i just flip, back to wanting something more, to not being content by myself and with crazy thought about our future, it sucks. It's like the part of the day that I dread and look forward to at the same time, it's a very strange dynamic. I'm excited to hear about her day, and to talk about mine, as if everything happening to me is more special if she's involved. It makes me so happy to have her there but at the same time, knowing that nothing can happen at this point in time, maybe ever, just sours the entire talk. Like the gloomy cloud blocking out the sun that just won't go away, like it's magically attached there just to ruin the moment. I woke up at 1 am again and I have nothing to do, so I have a very long night ahead thinking about the best course of action from here, do I try to make the move on? Or do I put myself through the joy and the pain of staying close to her? I know the smart answer is to stay away, I know it'll help in the long run, but part of me can't let go, and a bigger part just straight up doesn't want to. I want to be happy, I want her to be happy, we should be happy together. Just as easy as that. I miss stuff being easy, where did those times go? Everything these days is wrapped up in issues and costs and just sucks. At the end of the day I want to be happy, and as happy as I am with myself after moving forward in my life and becoming a person again, she makes me the happiest. I just can't let that dream die just yet so I'll shoulder the pain, and the hard times, with the hope of a sunny day to wake up to.

I always want more

I think the expression is, "aim for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars" my problem is that I do that, but instead of heading to the stars, the earth's gravity pulls me back down and I end up smashing into the ground. I just imagined myself being fired from a catapult and that happening, like an old looney tunes cartoon, shit's funny. The reality of it though, is that it takes me so long to recover from the fall that it makes me not want to try again. Why do I want to put myself through pain and disappointment again? For that very small chance that it'll work this time? I just don't have the faith for it anymore, like my chest has been trampled one too many times. The truth is that I will recover, and I will fling myself to the heavens again, but right now I feel like hell and it's a really hard feeling to get over. People say you never know unless you try, but it's trying that's gotten me feeling down every other time and I haven't seen the brighter side of trying in too long. If I could skip forward a couple years that'd be great, so I don't have to go through any more disappointment right now because I'm sick of it. The bad feelings, the self doubt, the never ending feeling that I'm just not good enough. I am good enough, fuck everyone who says otherwise.

Drinking never solves anything.

I'm so emotionally unstable it's a joke, today is one of those days it's apparently clear how bad it really is. I feel sick to my stomach thanks to my own thoughts and all I want to do is drink and smoke it away which never helps, it just puts a haze over them. (jesus I comma splice like a bitch, I'm constantly going back and changing my sentences.) I don't know how to stop it though, when i'm around people it sorts itself out and when I'm with someone I'm interested in I can control it, but on my own I'm my own worst enemy. I wonder if it's all the things that have gone on in my life that I think about or I let affect me that have caused this kind of emotional trauma i put myself through again and again or if I'm just that weak of a person that i can't control it. That scares me, that I'm just weak, it's put a giant halt into me moving forward in my life for so long and everytime I think I'm getting better it comes right back again with vengeance. I want to be so much better than this but I can't physically do it on my own, which is horrible to admit but rings so true. Everyone says that you have to be comfortable on your own, that you can only rely on yourself but I don't believe that for a second, I know I'm better with someone to depend on, that depends on me. If i have to be strong for someone else I can do it in a heartbeat, but for myself? I fall short. Maybe that's the only reason I'm ever interested in anyone else, so I can feel better about me, what a sad joke. I'm sick of wanting to be more than this, why can't I just do it? Why can't I be the person I know I can be on my own? Urgh, this way of thinking really pisses me off. I'm into that part of my life where the writing isn't to talk through my problems with myself, it's to vent at how fucked off I am with myself on a daily basis. This level of self hatred really can't be healthy. On the bright side, at least I'm not drunk again, I think that counts as an upside? Who knows?