Get Personal

My photo
I'm a guy who has no idea what the world around him is turning into or what his future holds apart from eventual death. Pessimistic to say the least, hence the lovely title. This is for my thoughts, feelings and is a general waste of internet space.

Jan 12, 2011

You don't know what you want.

Screams my friend from one side of the party to the other. Now anytime I hear someone say it all I can think of is the tristmas banking goldrush carousel. Don't ask. The point is, I don't know what I want, I know what I think I want, but I'm never totally sure, it's like there's always that sliver of doubt holding me back that I just can't get rid of. So many ideas and plans that I'll back down from on the off chance that I'm not actually interested.
At the moment, what I think I want is, new friends, to go to the fringe comedy shows, to get another job, and to travel to England and around Europe. But on the other hand, I love my current friends, and whenever I make new friends they come and go a little too easily. The comedy things would be great, but it's money I should be saving. I always say I should get a new job because mines boring as hell, but at the same time I've grown comfortable with things the way they are. And Europe, I just don't know, I always say I want to get out of here, away from my mundane life, but It's a scary thought, what if we come back and everything has changed, what if someone has died when we return, I dunno, those were stupid reasons, but I just don't know if this IS what I really want. All I've ever truly wanted was someone to be close to, that's the one constant in my life, and that sucks because so far it's the only unachievable thing I've had. I don't want to be left alone, but I don't want to settle either. 
Everyone has started to couple up, And I mean absolutely EVERYONE. No more hangs and fun times, they now reside in couple town. And this is my reason for not wanting someone. Find me someone who I will fall for, and who will be able to come out with me and go and have fun without me. I don't want a ball and chain, and vice versa, I'm not going to hold someone back from having a good time. Eurgh, fuck this, it's another I want the perfect relationship rant. I was using this to try and unjumble my head space because I couldn't work out what was going on, it worked, this sucks.

Jan 4, 2011

Maybe I just don't want to.

Why should I? This is what took so long last time, I found something that would work, and fuck giving up on it, I don't want to have to move on and leave it behind forever. Sure, I'll give it a rest, I won't go on about it, or think about it, but it won't just disappear. I don't want it to. I'm sick of leaving people behind in my wake, I want to remain friends with all the people I've enjoyed being in the company of. But life doesn't let you. So sod it, I'm not moving on, I don't care what anyone else thinks, this is what I want at the moment, if it changes then it changes, but my head and heart don't normally pick the same girls, they never sync up with anything really, so when they do I know it'll work, or I at least have to have a try at making it work.

If only it was that easy, I have to take into account other peoples feelings as well instead of being consumed by nothing but my own. Sure I can see it working, and I swear I'll be the best I can, it just takes a little while for me to calm down, instead of just going nuts about it. Guess that comes from not thinking anything will work out any other time, or maybe I'm just crazy. Whatever. All I know is that given the chance, I would prove it, I'd be nothing but amazing.

I hate not being able to sleep, or not letting myself sleep, or something, I dunno.
I just want that chance, that's all, I'm sick of falling before I get to the starting line.